prncspeach's Journal
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Monday, July 27, 2009
12:26PM
my heart hurts. seriously. well, maybe not in the heart attack sense. more like it feels like its been cleaved in half. i hope it doesn't continue this way.
It feels like when you have a sore muscle and every time you move, you are made conscious of how it expands and contracts.
It feels like the same script. Except I made rewrites this time. I've made changes. I've tried. This time I can stare you straight in the face and say, yes I tried to be better and learn my lesson. But apparently it doesn't matter. Any slip up, I'm chastised for it like a small child. I've even taken up a soft tone. I don't fight anymore, I present valid arguments. I don't harbor feelings anymore, I tell you why I'm upset. But even that doesn't work. I don't know what to do now. It's not fair. You're not fair.
I don't know when you left but I hope you come back soon. I miss you.
Current music: When did your heart go missing.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
10:35PM
Wow. I haven't been here for almost a year. I've had my current job for almost a year. In a year...a lot has happened. This month marks some anniversaries. On the 24th, I've had Mimi for four years. On the 30th, I've been dating the same man for five years. I've moved out of my house. Out of the comfort of my room, a space that has been my own for 15 years. Now, I share everything, and I mean everything, with Ale. I come home, and make dinner. I go and pick him up from the metro. I go grocery shopping, for us. Everything I do, is for a we and not a me. I thought it would be a bigger transition. The night before I slept here for the first time, sitting at my parents house, a place no longer my "house," I sat at the computer screen, looking at mail, and I then focused my eyes on the phone, then on the room in front of me, the kitchen, then I looked over to the living room, the tile floor, then I heaved a heavy sigh and started to cry. I inshatantly felt like I was plunged into cold water and felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. I wouldn't be coming home to Mimi harassing me to feed her. I wouldnt be coming home to my sister, I wouldn't be asking my mom, "whats for dinner," I wwouldn't be having tirades against my dad. As goofy as it is to say, Life as I knew it, for 24years, would never be the same. This was the beginning of the end. Like, now, I seriously was stepping into adulthood. So WEIRD. But! Crazy enough, the first night I slept in our new home and woke up the next morning, and walked into MY kitchen, I felt like I had been living there for ages. Like it was no big thing. It was incredible. I was, over it. Funny, I never cease to amaze myself on how extraordinary I am. I mean I know that sounds conceited, but seriously, I think I know myself and how I will react, and I still surprise myself. I still have a lot to learn about what I can do. I want to write more, but I can't I'm sleepy. There's always tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
6:23PM
so....in the past year, I've had three jobs. I just started my third yesterday and lemme tell ya, it rocks. I'm finally happy. The job btw crate and barrel and this one, lasted three months and 1 day. It sucked. I knew it was going to suck when I interviewed and the first day on the job confirmed its suckiness. But I had to get out of retail, it was going to be my stepping stone towards the goal, and it was. It filled the void btw what i was getting away from and what I wanted. This new one, on the first day, rocked. I mean seriously. It's a complete 180 from where I was and I love love love it. I just wish I wasn't sick.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
10:53PM
i got a new job. i finally did it. wee.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
6:18PM
i had another interview. this week, we'll see how it goes. For the first time in my life, i went on a diet. you need to know when you need help. i mean dag, obviously, i don't know what im doing. therefore, i finally said, okay fine. it's going well. i have a cold sore. which means i'm stressed. but im feeling better, considering i am on the third day of my four day vacation. its fantastic.
im reading "the fountainhead." i havent gotten very far. another english major told me to read it. shes adorable, haha. our bfs work together and have similarities, metalheads, love tattoos, etc. and we're both lit nerds, i never thought there would ever be a similar match me to me and him. haha. fun. i'm having fun. minus that job thing.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
10:31PM
so for the first time ever, things havent gone my way the first time around.
I've applied for jobs, and that's a big deal, because I've never had to apply for jobsss, as in multiple, as in more than one, as in, i didnt strike it lucky just by putting my name to paper.
so i've applied to multiple jobs, especially for American University, since my dad works there. I think five maybe. I only got one interview. It led to a second interview. I got excited. They said they would call back the next week...It's now almost two weeks and they never called me back. The only reason I found out I DIDNT get the job is through my dad. BAH!
So now I continue my search. I found a new job posting for a magazine. I can't imagine how cool it would be. I mean, I hope it would be.
I just want to be happy about work again. Crate & Barrel is not it, it can't be, it won't be. It's for people who don't care about themselves, about having a life. It's about dedicating yourself to being pitied. A lot of the people who are "successful" have pitiful existences. They look run down. They are stressed. IT'S RETAIL! WE ARE NOT CHANGING THE WORLD! WE'RE CHANGING FOR THE WORST! bah! I mean seriously, do they not see it?
I want a "normal" job. I want a job where when I go home on Friday, I don't return till Monday. When I walk in, I don't wince when I realize who'll be the manager for the day. When I call in sick, it's not the end of the world. To take a vacation, it's not a big deal! I want vacation time in the first place! I only have three days right now, and the ONLY reason I have it is because my part time hours were rolled over when I became full time, people who just started Crate, they don't get ANY hours until they've been there for a year! I want holidays! I, just, want, to have a normal job! And I just want a job, not a career. Not yet, at least.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
9:48PM
you are so fascinating to others. You're old news to me. But in a good way (smiles). You have that aura, and I guess, you always will. I'm so glad to have you. I'm reminded in small ways. When asked what I would do for new years, I said nothing, we'd sit around and watch the cat, and someone said, "yeah, it doesn't matter when you have someone." I was like, hmm, yeah.
I went to bed at 11pm. I go to bed early because I have to get up early. I'm not a morning person. It's a fact of life. I can get up early, but that doesn't make me a morning person by any means. Too bad I can't stay up to enjoy the night that I use to thrive in.
My mom said, you slept in for the new year? Is that indicative of the rest of your year, you sleeping it in? I said, "as opposed to what?" She laughed. Seriously, it's true. I sleep.
Ale's in his fitness kick again. Makes me feel like the slacker I am. I've been going to the gym once a week. But hey, it's an effort if only a minimal one. It's hard during the holiday season when I barely have time to sleep, much less go burn off the energy i DON'T have. Excuses are for the weak,...sigh.
It's January 1st. I said I would apply for new jobs. I just did. Two. Seriously, I need to do something different with my life. Soon I'll have to work weekends again, and with Ale leaving for his mom's house when he works for the census, I'll only have weekends to see him and damn if I'll give that time up. I refuse. I REFUSE. And having to ask to take a day off, to have to give ridiculous explanations and need to call people to find a replacement when all you want to do is sleep in and shake off the exhaustion, sickness, despair. I know I make it seem so horrible and how it couldn't be that bad, and if you were Ale, you'd tell me, well...it's your own fault for choosing this, oh i could kick him sometimes...but I'll fix it. I mean, I always get what i want ;)
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
4:46PM
soooooo, my boss finally got engaged after harassing her boyfriend of two years for the past year to get married, like everyday. she'll openly admit that to anyone, she thinks its funny. we all thought she'd either get dumped for being so pushy or finally have him cave, and the latter happened. can we please talk about how MORE annoying she's become. she's like a mondo bitch now and brings up the marriage thing EVERY MINUTE SHE CAN. it's like, well for the sale i was thinking we'd move the boxes to the front....yeah and that reminds me how i was trying to book this reception hall and blah blah blah. SHE JUST GOT ENGAGED LAST WEEK and you're already thinking about where its going to be, and apparently crazyness runs in the family because her mom already has a guest list ready (right after jackie told her she was engaged) and her mom says she's had it for months from the last time she thought jackie was going to get engaged....um....NOT NORMAL.
on another subject. Why do I have the soul of a 57 year old? I mean seriously, at work, everyone is surprised at my "enlightment" and wisdom on subject matter that doesn't necessarily pertain to a 22yr old. And people are always amazed at the random facts I know about, which happens to be many. What can I say, I listen more than I speak, you learn more that way. And speaking of listening and observation, I notice that I'm definitely not in the same sphere as many of my peers. I've lost touch with people, and many times (but not always) on purpose. People are stuck in neutral and I've moved on from them and they wonder why I'm not there anymore. Well, because you're not where I am. Not everyone is going to stay friends with everyone, forever. I've done my choosing, and you havent. By the way, cheap alcohol affects you quite negatively, bleck. where's the top shelf?
Sunday, September 30, 2007
4:18PM
i finally bought a moleskin journal, like all the greats. i was writing something down and ale saw me and he wanted to see what it said. of course i said no. he's like oh come on. No. He's like, if you just got this, what were you talking about the other day when you said you were writing? I said I have an online journal. He said, "where?" I didn't say. If I wanted you to know, I would have told you, duh. I hope everything is well with people I hope for.
At work, like always, I keep getting star treatment although I hate the management. haha. I get to work mon-fri, a luxury only the store designer gets. It was decided by the regional designer that my assistance would be needed on a daily basis and therefore trade in my weekend work day for monday. Ha. Ha. No one else that did design assistance got to. Ha. Ha. Oh and apparently, in my "raise" of like a dollar and some change, I received more than most due to the fact "well, you're you, so of course we tried to compensate that." Damn straight. Haha.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
7:47PM
just as soon as i posted, he called to say he's not coming home. weird ass.
7:44PM
he lasted eight hours without me. he left at four, came back at midnight. not even a whole night. he makes me laugh.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
9:17PM
So I'm not on speaking terms with my mother. Today I cried in front of Ale because of her. I'm so frustrated with her. He tried to give me advice on how to handle her but I said there's nothing to do. I've tried everything. I, yeah. I cried and then we sat in silence the rest of the ride, which was 1/2 hr long. Mel and I had a bonding day, telling each other our grievances with our mother. How we both agree on her ridiculous tirades. I came home, only to have him say he was going to his mom's house for a few days. I was upset. I asked if he was already packed and he said no. I got even more upset. Don't say you're going to do something, be done with it! So when I went upstairs and looked around, I saw he left his toothbrush, deodorant, etc and called him up. Sigh. Why am I such a thinker? So he left. I didn't kiss him back, I was too upset. I wasn't going to sign my name to an agreement I never made. I went to sleep for 4 hours. I woke up, and made myself dinner, I refuse to speak to her. I can't wait for the day I can leave my mother's house.
Speaking of leaving, I cannot wait to get a new job. I have never seen someone try so desperately to be my friend. At first it was a joke, but seriously, we all think she seriously wants to be my friend. I speak of my manager. The other day, she comes up behind me, grabs me by the waist and hoists me in the air while telling me to smile....who...the (bleep)...DOES THAT?! Never in our professional relationship have I EVER let on that doing something that like, would be OKAY! I was so perplexed and unnerved at that moment. I, to this day, am, like, WHY?! I, like I've said before, have some of the bestest friends one could ever imagine at work, but Jackie? We're barely acquaintances because I never tell her anything. She's just my boss, and a boss I don't respect.
And speaking of friends, some people that I do consider acquaintances will continue to be that and nothing more. Dumb ass bitch made a comment to someone about why I was attending her party. She said, "why can't she come, its two weeks away, can't she ask off from work?" No, I can't, you dumb ass. At the store, you seriously have to ask time off AT LEAST 1 month in advance. And...who has a party in the middle of the day. I never did like you, and this just seals the deal. I don't make time, for a reason, you're just not worth it.
I've recently connected with someone again that I haven't seen in ages. There's questions left unanswered about the time spent apart but they'll never be asked. It doesn't matter enough. I gladly accept and rekindle our friendship because we are two solitary spirits that only enjoy one another's company.
Even as a kid, I knew I was a loner. I've made friends and lost friends but remain the same. If I had to pick a room full of people with mingling and frolic and "normal" activities for a person of my age, or my bedroom, my own company beats out everyone else. My friends, my contemporaries, are not equal in age, but in heart and mind.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
12:09AM
i have the biggest mouth in the whole wide world. i also speak very fast. i mumble, a lot. and yet, people like me. even when i was little, people who i decided not to like, always wanted to be my friends. they would say, hey i dont think she likes me, but they would try to talk to me. If you get a tiny notion that i may not like you, follow your instinct, seriously. I can't help it. I swear my manager wants to be bff with me, always trying to talk with me. but no. we, are not, and will never ever BE friends. no, it doesn't have to be my birthday for people to buy me things, my friends buy me things anytime something reminds them of me, that's how loved i am. You on the other hand lady, need an excuse for people to be nice to you, sucks, to be, you. hahahahah. damn, i'm mean, and yet...i'm okay with that (shrugs shoulders, turns and walks away with a smile on her face).
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
8:51AM
im home from italy with a heavy heart. i never thought i'd be so depressed coming home. the landscape was so breathtaking. and to think, here, people live. people bask in the glory of chianti everyday, a place where people long to escape to, and it's their everyday lives. no wonder so many people are inspired by it. i would love to live there more than anything. i was happy. people are genuinely nice to one another. people dont drive gigantic suvs. people sit down to have a cup of coffee. they actually enjoy the coffee, it's not just something to get them through the day. there is no concept of grab and go. you sit down for lunch. you go out for lunch. dinner is always accompanied by a glass of wine, no matter what your social status. they enjoy life. the architecture is amazing. Little townships exist quietly amongst the ruins of medieval times. Even modern houses are built with the old world style in mind. They are not cookie cutter cardboard boxes. They are made of solid stone. The beautiful wooden beams that hang over head are simply fantastic. There is no need for a fire department in town, its at least 25km away. Things just dont disappear. :::sigh:::
Monday, August 6, 2007
1:03AM
remember how you thought you knew better than us about love? how we werent romantic enough for you according to your disillusioned concept of love and intimacy. I laugh in your face, because you don't know how to love. You give and give of yourself but I dont think you give your heart. It's hidden, locked away in an amicable, charming exterior that I find absolutely jarring. Perhaps I see the dark in people. Whatever the case, yeah, I laugh at you. In the three years I've known you, you've had three gfs, wait, no, i think four. And you're going to tell me how to love and be happy? Please son, you don't know the first thing about being happy, and that's loving yourself. You made fun of me because I said I prefer my own company above relationships with others and you said that's because I close myself in. You couldn't stand one day alone. You'd drive yourself mad. You need to make you happy and find out what makes you happy before throwing yourself into another doomed relationship. And the domineering mate you seem to find attractive, it doesn't work for you buddy. And seriously, don't ever lecture me. Your opinions bore me to tears. I find them quite useless and watered down. Keep your harsh opinions of things to yourself, especially around me.
Anywho. I'm ridiculously excited that I'm going to Italy in one day. I'm, going to Italy. Never would I have imagined that growing up. I'm poor, who the hell knew I'd end up with a crazy kid who makes crazy cash for being, well, a kid. And an Italian crazy kid who makes crazy cash for a being a kid. I realize I may be bragging and I'm okay with that. I won a pretty decent hand in the card game of life. Some may think I dont deserve my good fortune in life in general and how most things work in my favor even when I happen to screw it up but you know, I probably don't like those people in the first place. Did you know I want a starfish tattoo? Do you know why? It could only be for a 'maria' reason. Starfish eat and poop out of the same orfice. It's kinda a twisted way of saying bullshiting. I skate through life by bullshiting my way through it. I can talk to most people about just about anything. I know a little of everything and can look cool and pull off the "impossible." A friend laughed when I gave her the reason. She gave me a more meaningful one. Starfish can regrow their limbs if they lose one. My "bullshit" could also be seen as, when I'm in between a rock and a hard place (the simpsons movie interp of this, HILARIOUS) and seem I have come to a dead end in a situation, I come out of it almost unscathed. I tie off that part, and walk away, only to find a better opportunity awaiting me. Funny, stupid, whatever you think, it is what it is.
I hope to find a cute journal in Italy to write my experiences in. Marlene keeps asking me if I keep a journal, and sadly, I always answer no. I use to. Until I read them, and those stupid thoughts you have as a kid growing up, embarrass me. I think to myself, "that's the most thought provoking thing I could come up with? That's why I was mad/upset/excited/happy/sad/ etc? I was so revolted I threw about four journals away. I couldn't deal with the concept someone else might read them. So anyways, maybe as an "adult" out of school, with a decent foundation in literature and great masters of language, I'll write something that won't make my stomach churn and writhe in terrible disappointment.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
12:36AM
people laugh at us because we always say "i love you" at the end of every phone conversation. they say, "dont you see each other everyday?" yes. what's you're point? the way i see it is, and this might be a lil morbid, but hey, should something happen, at least we could say there was that last "i love you." and how often in life do you feel that strongly? i mean how many times do you REALLY love someone. it doesnt happen everyday, so i like to celebrate each and every day. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, i'm okay with that.
soooo, im taking summer classes. and they finish in two weeks. and i'm kind of scared of what happens afterwards. I mean, I've been going to College Park, every week for the past 4 years. I "graduated" and am completing elective credits, but seriously, what am I going to do without CP? I hate it, I hate driving out there, I hate going to class. But, I hate the unknown. Or the "known" of I have to work, for the rest of my life. There's no summer break and fall to look forward to. It's going to be very mundane, repetitive, and just plain boring. There's no, "i dont feel like going to work today." There's no fake doctor's note I can bring in to excuse my lax behavior towards responsibility. How frightning? And can we discuss I don't have that boring, repetitive job in the first place? I'm at Crate, but not for long if I can help it. I absolutely hate it nowadays. I dislike my manager and the way she runs things greatly. I hate how she pretends to be friends with me, or want to be friends with me. yes, I'm popular at work, there's no one that outright hates me or treats me bad, and I think she's jealous of the fact I have friends and she doesnt and I refuse to be friends with her. She's 25, she's got a business management degree from Towson, she lives at home. She's pretty but has a huge body that doesnt match her face (mean, true, but whatev, it is what it is). And anytime we're near one another, she'll try to start conversation, and in a weird, fakish tone. Like, "how are youuu, how are things?" I'm very curt when I answer, "fine, good." and I walk away. And usually I'll walk away to find someone else and divulge every detail of life that has occurred since the last time I saw this person. There are people there I will miss so much when I leave. They have been true, sincere, incredible friends for the past four years. And they've given me so much advice on how to live/enjoy life. They're all older than me, most old enough to be my parents and we don't feel awkward with one another, they say I'm mature and just plain awesome for being my age. They avoid hanging out with people older than me, say 25-30, because those people aren't stable and confident in themselves and it shows, Jackie, the manager being one of them. Errrrr, she really boils my blood. She tries to be your friend and two minutes later is on your back about something stupid. She's so picky and finicky and just plain SUCKS. And its not because she's a woman, I've had a woman manager before her, who was PREGNANT, and was awesome, Jackie is just not confident in herself or in her ability to be a manager and it shows and I dont feel like dealing with her psychological issues, theres a reason I didn't study to be a shrink, I dont care enough about other people's garbage to fix it for them.
wow. i've just complained, a lot. but wait, there's more!
sooo we went to the beach with boyfriend's brother's gf (my future sister in law, if that makes it easier, not that they are engaged, cause they're not, haha). Her family has a condo in OC. And their friends came too. So it was three couples. I felt like I was in a retirement home. I was surrounded by young people who were boring as F*CK! First of all, lying on the sand, i got excited about going to the boardwalk and eating tons of bad, beach food, cause what else do you do at the beach besides eat funnel cake, fries and caramel popcorn? And they're like yeah! we'll go tomorrow...what??? why did i have to wait till the next day to go?? needless to say, bf and i went by ourselves bc bf's friend ended up at OC the same day so we went to hang out with her. While sitting in the condo waiting for lunch, mind you, every meal was prepared in efforts to save money....(gag) dude, why cant go out for pizza and beer and be YOUNG?! anyways, waiting for lunch, (pasta was served three times, three different ways during the same of two nights) everyone was reading a book, I was working on two essays I had to turn in on Monday. I was like...what IS this?? I just, I dont know. See what I mean, my "older" friends from work, party harder than these people. I've gone to happy hour many a time with people with kids. i mean seriously folks, wow. i thought bf and i were boring, but no. it gets worse. but whatev i guess, to each his own.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
12:24AM
these arent your grandma's baked goods. cointreau spiked oatmeal raisin cookies and chambord infused brownies, move over betty crocker, you too dry for this crowd
i love the fact my friends are older than me, and we're not talking, oh 25, we're saying these people have kids, and are pushing 40+. Sincerely i really do think its awesome these people consider me cool enough to hang out with, they dont see me as some little annoyance, they really do consider me good company and i think that says a lot about my character, as in, im fucking awesome and i have proof. haha. okay. enough.
Friday, April 20, 2007
7:20PM
i want to leave my imprint on the world and having my fingerprint on a wine glass is not going to cut it--marism
Monday, April 16, 2007
1:41PM
love is:
willing to risk your life and plunge into an ice cold, freezing river to save another
love is:
willing to take care of a quadriplegic for the rest of your life. in essence, risking your life, to maintain another? (i take it back, after reading the second article (see P.S.) love is just loving someone regardless, as plain, simple, hallmark-y as that. wow, what a ridiculous enlightenment)
the first one was my definition of love based on a movie. at the time, i watched it with someone and i said out loud, ha, damn, i would never jump into that water to save that bitch, that's crazy. i was about fifteen. the person next to me said, what? you wouldn't save me? and i said half jokingly, nope. but, in my head, i seriously considered the question and the answer was still the same. it was then i decided, okay, love is willing to risk your life to save another.
the other day, i was watching tv with my boyfriend. it was a show on discovery health and it was discussing advances in bionics and how the bionic man, once a tv show mythical hero, could be a possibility in the future for those with severe trauma to the spinal cord causing things like quadriplegia. There was this man who endured a motor vehicle accident and was left with deficient motor skills; he couldn't pick up a cup of coffee to drink out of. my boyfriend proceeded to say, yeah, that's one of my mom's biggest fears about my motorcycle and me being left a quadriplegic. He then said, but it's okay because you'd take care of me, and then hugged me. I looked at him and said, no i wouldn't! I'm not going to sit there and nurse you like a baby for the rest of my life just because you had to own a bike! and he's like what the hell, people who love each other are suppose to stay by one another's side through anything! I asked him, so you would take care of me if I fell in that state? and he said, heck ya! I'm really hurt by what you said. We continued to watch the rest of the show in silence. The idea had never occurred to me, the severe consequences of him in an accident while riding his bike. Of course I didn't like the bike because of the increased risk of death, but never once did it occur to me, him living in a paralyzed state. It was mortifying. Could I do it? Could I take care of him, stay with him? The show ended and I turned to him and said, I'm sorry for what I said, and yes, I would take care of you. He replied, 'hmph, that's what i thought, meanie.'
Last night, I read an article in one of those air headed fashion magazines like Glamour about "the ultimate betrayal" and a woman who's boyfriend ended up as a quadriplegic after a motocross accident. She watched over him while he was in the hospital and everything but then came to the realization this isn't what she wanted for the rest of her life. She left him. Everyone hated her for it. But she said, things weren't exactly perfect before the accident. After the accident, you fall into a state of shock and mourning and of course forget things like that because of the seriousness unfolding before you. It took a year or more before he forgave her but they're both over it and seeing other people. But yeah. weird how i just happened to come across this article after that incident with the tv show.
*P.S.
after posting this, i read ANOTHER one of those stupid magazines, they found themselves inside my house somehow, I had nothing to do with it. And this time, the woman met someone who was quadriplegic. He was bound to a wheelchair, paralyzed from the mid chest down. He could drive a car and get around though. They dated. They had their awkward moments. But they got married. Been married for ten years. hmmm. makes you think.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
11:51PM
i have a c- in art class. aint that some shit. i've avoided doing all my assigments this week, really sucks, wish i was more organized and motivated. sigh. only like two more months of this tho, =) last time this will occur, haha. instead, i'll just have work. i'll take it.
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